A wonderful thing has happened. God has caught me by surprise and set me free in a way I never expected or would have guessed. For so long I was afraid and confused, a captive of the church and slave to biblical teachings I never understood or made since to me, forced to accept the bible simply because it was the bible. I wrestled with the God I knew in my heart who loved me and the angry, wrathful, jealous God of the old testament who wants to destroy his creation and send everyone to hell. Why is God so angry? I think he is angry over the way people treat each other.

The old testament depicts god as angry, jealous, harsh, demanding, vengeful, with extremely high expectation and very strict laws. In the new testament he is merciful loving and forgiving, a personal God who hates hypocrites and desires honesty, humility, and repentance. But then in Revelations, you go back to the wrath of God, he wreaks terrible destruction on an unbelieving world.

I was afraid of God's punishment, afraid of the Devil's evil, deceit, trickery and his demons coming after me, I was afraid of doing something wrong, was i bad? Why did I keep messing up in my life, why couldn't I stop sinning and do things right? I was afraid of having wrong beliefs, doctrines, views and of not reading or understanding the Bible enough. I feared for my own salvation and the salvation of those i love, would I go to hell for not thinking right or for doing something wrong? Would my parents go to hell or my sister or my friends? Why couldn't I do more good works and help people in need like Jesus tells us? I feared I would be punished for not putting my faith into actions and doing good works and witnessing, I thought about mission trips even though it is impossible for me to go and I thought I should donate more money to the church.


My parents and I have tried many churches, none of them are right for us. Sure there are good churches, but it seems to me all of them just preach the same old thing. God has opened a new door to me and I want to explore it.

I was so bound in fear and worrying if I was getting the Christian thing right, and internally rebelling against fundamentalism in my heart, that I forgot to listen to the still, small voice of god within my own soul. During a sleepless night of tears, God spoke to me and said, "Don't be afraid child, I'm not going to hurt you. I love you, and I am with you."

I am just so realeved, I finally have the peace in my heart and soul that I have longed for all these years. God told me I was not bad, as long as I listened to him as my conscience and followed the truth in my heart I would be good, and do what's right. What good does it do for Christians to sing praises to Jesus yet they do not follow his commandment to love each other and treat people the way you want to be treated? I know now I am not going to hell, God loves me too much to send me there, I do not deserve it. I will not judge others and tell them that they deserve to go to hell, it is really not my place to say who deserves to go to hell and who deserves to get into heaven, only God can judge that. I am not perfect, no one is perfect, everybody sins of course everyone makes mistakes and messes up. God understands that we make mistakes and do stuff wrong sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose, he created us and does not have impossibly high standards.
I was so strict and pharisee-like always judging and condemning other people who did have the same strict moral standards I set for myself. The bible says we are not suppose to judge.


I will always consider myself a Christian. I will continue to read the Bible and take it's good advice and follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I wills eek the kernel of truth in it. But there is chaff in the Bible. There are parts that are obviously outdated, it has holes in it, it is "holely" like Swiss cheese, but of course Swiss cheese is a wonderfully delicious and valuable cheese. Look into the history of how the Bible was put together, and how little knowledge of the Bible most Christians really have.